Stressed

Well my job this year is stressful as ever.  My Title 1 school is no joke when it comes to trauma, lack of support, and Dog Eat Dog kind of world.

I have a schedule like no other.  I have had this schedule before and I wish I would of documented how stressful it was to remind me not to return.  Back to back classes, morning, recess, afternoon duty, and 40 kid case load.

It's the same business of yelling, screaming, throwing chairs, hitting others, running away, and taking every opportunity to skip class; at this is elementary school.  I hear it down the hall and next door to my classroom.  There is probably abuse going on at homes.  We have called department of child services and the same record has been played of nothing being done. 

It is abusive how the adults are being treated.  And we are told to document, use resorative conversations, community circles, reward systems, and give them squishy toys to get them to talk about how they are feeling.  I don't see it getting any better.  As a specialist, I don't get PLC time, Art/PE/Library, counseling, morning/afternoon recess breaks, and so far not a lunch.  My case load is 2 or 3 times the size of the classroom teachers with the addition of morning and afternoon duties.  Plus, not only am I supporting the struggling readers (mostly ESL and SPED students) they want me to support the social emotional struggling students during the only free time I have to use the bathroom.  If I say no then I'm shamed for not helping these students.

Five years ago I did have a calling to bring reading remediation to Title 1 schools.  And I would love for that passion to return.  But when kids are surrounding a smaller female student in an aggressive gang like behavior as means of intimidation.  And then targeting her numerous times after she told them to stop as she is crying and hugging me for protection; I just don't think my heart can take anymore abuse.

I was hired to help struggling readers learn how to read.  But I'm finding that I'm spending more of my time parenting children on how to make better choices.  That's not what my degree is in.  These children are needing to be taught how to hold a conversation, how to be nice, how to share, how to tell the truth, how to be flexible, how to be respectful, how to listen, how to play together, and how to work as a team.  Students in my Title 1 school are trying to survive life and that doesn't not fit in with the classroom environment.  If these behaviors were happening at an affluent school the parents would be demanding a change.  This is a special calling and I guess I don't have what it takes anymore.

Where is our support?  Where are the Instructional Assistants?  Where are the Sped teachers?  Where are the Paraeducators?  It is very frustrating when we don't have enough Sped teachers to meet all their student's minutes so they put the students in my reading class.  The ESL program isn't helping improve their reading so teachers put them in my reading class.  However, I'm not ESL or SPED endorsed.  So, when my case load is over 50% ESL students shouldn't that tell the district that we need more ESL teachers?  When Sped students are put in an intervention class to meet their reading minutes shouldn't that tell the district that we need more Sped teachers?  And if I'm spending more of my time, including my planning for supporting social emotional students, shouldn't the district allow a budget to support these students so I can focus on getting students to read a grade level?   Or maybe I could get equal amounts of planning time like my coworkers; that would be nice? 

Survival Mode.  I look back at my old posts on teaching.  I want that back.  My fifth year in Title 1....make it or break it.  I'm curious if I end up staying in this profession.  So far three teachers have cried while having a conversation with me; and it's only September!  Will I find my passion again?  Will I find a home where I can bring my OG multisensory style of teaching reading to those who struggle?  Or has this career path come to an end?

I guess I will take one day at a time.

I will try to find the good in the day.

I will fight for a lunch and not feel guilty.

I will hope.  I will encourage those who are abused. 

If it doesn't get better, I will seek therapy.